The Gift of Anger

Anger can be frightening and confusing for many of us, yet it is essential for our wellbeing. Anger says ‘no’ when things have gone too far. It lets you know that you’re going past yourself in some way. It’s a healthy emotion that was not supported or allowed for most of us growing up, or it was misused to control us. This is particularly true for women, our anger was not allowed, was not lady-like. And often what we experienced from the adults around us was toxic anger, with lots of blame, shame, and emotional, if not physical abusiveness.

Healthy anger is essential for our empowerment. Without healthy anger, we allow others to walk over us, because we don’t have our anger to let us know that is even happening! Without our anger we don’t have healthy boundaries. It typically has taken me a number of times of being transgressed upon, or at least some time after a transgression, before I notice my anger trying to get through to me, to give me its precious message. I’ve been so conditioned to ignore it, that it has taken a while for me to even notice that it’s there, that it exists. Does that sound familiar to you too?

When we were two years old, what’s been called the ‘the terrible twos,’ we weren’t allowed to express our healthy anger. Can we please stop denigrating our children going through this important psychological milestone? This is the age when a little one finds who they are separate from others, their mother in particular, so they can have a healthy sense of self. When that expression is shamed out of us, we can not have healthy boundaries. We won’t have a healthy sense of self, a healthy ‘I.’ And without an ‘I’ we are not able to fulfill our purpose, our lives become a journey of attempting to find fulfillment and wondering what went wrong this time. Again and again… until one day we wake up and realize that our anger has been our best friend all along, a friend that we’ve judged against, suppressed, denied, sent into the recesses of the dungeon where all our ‘bad’ parts live.

Let me be clear that anger is not the same as rage. Anger is standing up for me, taking care of me, knowing what’s okay and what isn’t okay in how I’m being treated. Anger = healthy boundary. Rage is blaming someone else for my experience, wanting to hurt them, harm them, destroy them. Rage is the result of having suppressed healthy anger so much for so long, that all I can do is blame someone else for what I’m experiencing. Rage comes from a very disempowered place, when I’ve given up my power to the extent that all I can do is hurt someone else, in a desperate attempt to gain my power. It’s a sign of major suppression of what was once healthy anger. Anger is self-loving and empowering, rage is hateful and destructive.

As I acknowledge my healthy anger, I am empowered. I know when to say ‘no’ and when to say ‘yes.’ I trust myself and my experience because I’m able to show up for myself authentically. I’m no longer allowing myself to be run over by others. With this sense of empowerment, it’s easy to be kind with others, because I’m being kind to myself. I no longer need to over react from a place of feeling so under empowered. I am grounded in who I am, with clear loving boundaries. 

Love letter to my anger:

Dear anger,

I am so sorry I’ve suppressed and judged you. I had no idea of how important and valuable you are. I was taught that I shouldn’t have anger, that I should be ashamed of you, and push you down as far as possible. I was taught that ‘nice’ girls don’t get angry, that no one would like me, least of all love me, if I allowed you to be known and felt. I was taught that you were dangerous and would do damage to others. I was taught to be afraid of you.

I am so deeply sorry that I’ve suppressed and judged you all my life. You had so much to tell me, to show me, to help me open to myself. You live in my body, and in suppressing you, I suppressed my spontaneity, my trust in myself, love for myself and who I am, I suppressed my passion, my life force, and my integrity. I learned to hate myself. I split off from my authentic self by splitting you off. I am so deeply sorry!

I want you back, anger, if you will have me. I get how unbelievably valuable you are! I get that you are the key to my integrity, to my having an identity, an ‘I,’ knowing what’s good for me and in me. I want you back because I want me back. You are my integrity, you are the force of my goodness. I had it so backwards, was taught to be small, untrusting of who I am, in order to be molded into the service of another, not myself. Without you I am a slave, at the whim of other’s control over me, taking advantage of me, using me for their purposes. 

I was taught that a woman shouldn’t be angry, it’s so unbecoming. Nice people don’t get angry. They taught me that destructive people are the ones who are angry. They were so wrong, and I believed them! I did what I was told in order to be loved and included, my survival depended on doing what I was told. I excluded you, and my heart breaks at how I’ve treated you!

Please come back to me, my dear anger. I now know I need you to have a decent existence. As I open to you, I feel myself coming alive, with love for who I am. Thank you, dear anger. Thank you for giving me another chance, for never giving up on me, for your patience in waiting until I came back to you. I am so deeply moved by the love you hold for me. I am committed to knowing you more and all the goodness you hold for me.

Hannah Betty

For those of us regaining our healthy anger:

After being suppressed for so long, anger can come up in BIG ways, with lots of energy to it because of being held in so much. Opening up to the intensity of new emotions can be overwhelming also, as we learn to regulate ourselves in the face of intensity. We can also get triggered in the fear of opening to our anger, as we move into new territory. It takes practice to allow this energy to be felt, while staying centered and grounded. We’re forming a new relationship with this part of ourselves, where we receive it with the respect it deserves. 

Be gentle and patient with yourself as you’re learning, and reach out for help and support, so you can make the learning as loving and smooth as possible. As we shift to healthy relating with our anger, we’ll be able to access the good information it has to offer us, and we won’t be overtaken by it. Rather we’ll be able to speak for the anger, rather than from it.

Our true Self is big enough to hold all of our parts lovingly.