Dropping Into My Heart
“Be ground, Be crumbled.
So wild flowers will come up where you are.
You have been stony for too many years.
Try something different.
Surrender.” ~ Rumi
As I drop into my heart, my head doesn’t know what to make of it. My head and my heart have had an alliance for a very long time, an alliance that’s helped me survive. My head has the habit of making sense, however it can, of any movement of my heart, my feeling body. My feelings flow like water, their nature is to move, without rhyme or reason. Yet my head wants to make sure I stay safe, like a protective big brother. I’m noticing the back and forth, from one to the other, and wondering about it, curious about it. A new rhythm is forming between the two.
My head continually asks the question, ‘is everything okay?’ ‘There must be something wrong, that I should notice, give attention to, something that needs tending to.’ Yet often it fails to notice that I’m actually safe, nothing needing to be addressed. And it’s very uncomfortable to always be vigilant. Is it okay to just relax? Will I have no mind anymore if I relax? Will my mind no longer be needed, no longer have its old job? Will I go into dementia, evaporate from this reality? My mind can create lots of scenarios to be frightened of.
Yet, I can also remember that it’s okay to relax, let go, surrender, and so far, so good. I’m still here. Things are shifting so rapidly, faster and faster all the time. It’s a time of great vulnerability.
I see my little immigrant girl, looking around her strange new environment, nothing like where she came from. She and her family came from Paris to Dallas, Texas. Talk about culture shock! Here there are no streets to walk on filled with shops and friendly shopkeepers greeting her, no aliveness of people hustling and bustling doing their necessaries, no nearby parks to go to, filled with flowers, trees, park benches, green grass all welcoming her.
Here the streets are empty, people getting into cars to go anywhere, turning on the air conditioning because the heat is so oppressive. So much isolation here, and people looking at her as if she’s a martian. They don’t know what to make of her, or her of them. The outdoors is foreign territory, with people living their lives within walls of cars or houses or buildings, where it all seems so hidden, so mysterious. The outdoors isn't a friendly place, it’s so hot here, too hot to enjoy the outdoor air, and all that nature has to offer. She stands on the lawn, the green grass that is so manicured, and not quite the nature she was used to.
She feels so alone, this child, abandoned, unwanted, frozen, so scared. How she made it, I just don’t know. I see her now and am in awe of her courage. I feel the pain she was in too, how terribly hard it was for her. I want to scoop her up into my arms and hold her close, hold her forever, so she knows that she’s no longer alone, I’ve got her. I will hold her always so she can feel safe, wanted, loved, so she knows how important she is, that she really does matter.
My mind came in to keep her safe, keep her out of danger. I understand and appreciate what it’s been doing for me all this time. And now it’s time to relax and show up for how scary it’s been, for how hard it’s been working to stay alive, splitting into parts and hiding some parts, the most tender ones, in the basement to keep them safe.
As I drop more deeply into my heart, I find my lost parts. Some are so desperate and terrified. As beautiful as heart is, it’s also the wasteland of all that’s been forgotten, waiting to be found so I can love them, integrate them into myself, and bring them back home.
I’m free falling, letting go of needing my mind to give meaning and understanding to my experiences. I’m feeling my way, falling into the space of a bigger reality, raw and vulnerable, where the universe can hold me, as I surrender, moment to moment.
This is what happens when I allow love to do its magic, one step at a time, gently and with resolve. My mind quiets as it notices that something new is happening, love is showing up and doing its magic. I find myself exhaling deeply, I am okay after all.